The 50/50 Rule: Helping Siblings Overcome Conflict While Caring for Aging Parents

A long-time employee of an accounting firm, Mary has been waiting for this promotion for years. “This job is just what I’ve dreamed about all my life,” she excitedly told her best friend. But then Mary’s mom fell and broke her hip. As the youngest in the family and her mom’s presumed favorite, Mary suddenly is thrust into the role of family caregiver and is struggling to keep up with the demands of her new job. “I hate the feeling that I have to choose between caring for my mom and a new job all because my siblings won’t help.”

Situations like this are among the family conflicts that caregivers encounter each day while caring for aging parents. Caregiver stress, life-and-death medical crises, financial problems and property disputes often become part of the ongoing saga of a family’s caregiving story. Relationships between adult brothers and sisters can suffer as a result.

That’s why the local Home Instead Senior Care^® office has launched the 50-50 Rule^SM, a program that offers strategies for overcoming sibling differences to help families provide the best care for elderly parents.

“Any family that has cared for a senior loved one knows that problems working with siblings can lead to family strife,” said Bob Vielee, owner of the local Home Instead Senior Care^® office serving Lackawanna, Monroe, Pike, Wayne and Wyoming counties.“Making decisions together, dividing the workload and teamwork are the keys to overcoming family conflict.”

The 50-50 Rule refers to the average age (50) when siblings are caring for their parents as well as the need for brothers and sisters to share in the plans for care 50-50. Research conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care^® network reveals that an inability to work together often leads to one sibling becoming responsible for the bulk of caregiving in 43 percent of families. And that can result in the deterioration of relationships with brothers and sisters.

“If you’re 50, have siblings and are assisting with the care of seniors, it’s time to develop a plan,” Vielee said. “This program can help.”

At the core of the 50-50 Rule public education program is a family relationship and communication guide of real-life situations that features practical advice from sibling relationships expert Dr. Ingrid Connidis from the University of Western Ontario. She says that relationships among siblings should be protected.

“Like all relationships, siblings have a history,” Connidis noted. “Whatever happened in the past influences what happens in the present. Regardless of their circumstances, most siblings do feel a responsibility to care for parents that is built from love. And that’s a good place to start – optimistically and assuming the best.”

Even the best of circumstances, though, can cause a strain for a family dealing with the issues of an aging parent. That’s where the free 50-50 Rule guide of family situations will help brothers and sisters struggling with any number of topics from trying to divide care and work better as a team to dealing with end-of-life issues. In the guide, Connidis addresses situations, like the one described at the beginning of this release, with practical advice.

The guide and a website at www.solvingfamilyconflict.com will offer a variety of additional tips and resources for siblings. For more information, visit the site or contact your local Home Instead Senior Care franchise office at 570-586-3135.  “Sometimes problems can be alleviated with a little extra home care for seniors and respite for family caregivers,” Vielee said.

The extra effort will be well worth it, Connidis explained. “Siblings are sometimes the only family relationships that endure. After parents, siblings are the ones we’ve known the longest. So there is a depth of empathy we can tap into that goes back to that relationship. When I look at my brother, I still see that little boy playing in the back yard.  And I can still remember caring for my little sister. Those memories are what motivate us to care for our parents and each other. It’s what keeps us connected, even when we’re different. That sibling relationship will continue after parents are gone; research suggests that siblings don’t want to harm their relationships with each other.”