Conversation Starters . . . For Sensitive Senior Subjects

To help adult children of older adults know what to say, following are various scenarios of common senior topics. Each is backed by Home Instead Senior Care research conducted in the U.S. Responses were
developed in cooperation with Jake Harwood, Ph.D., communication professor and author from the University of Arizona.

When Health Changes Lifestyles

Your 70-year-old widowed mother has just been diagnosed with macular degeneration, a disease that 
causes deterioration of eyesight. How do you begin a conversation with her about the possible ramifications of this disease on her life?

Many seniors in this situation might begin the conversation with family themselves. If not, then it would be good to think about her personal circumstances and important areas to address. For example, if your
mother lives in a remote area, transportation is probably the most immediate issue. Approach the conversation with the goal of trying to resolve this one issue, rather than multiple issues. Timing is the key. There are rarely urgent deadlines that have to be met immediately – give yourself and your parent time to think about issues. Your mom would likely be receptive to a conversation that begins: “Let’s figure out a plan for how you can get around town if you no longer feel safe driving.”

Did Dad Hit a Light Pole?

A neighbor of your 83-year-old dad has called to tell you he saw your father back his car into a light pole. What do you say?

If the damage is visible, you could ask, “Hey Dad, what happened to the car?” Or you could bring up the phonecall from his neighbor. “Fred from next door called and said he saw you run your car into the light pole.”This is an example of a situation that calls for more general observation. Take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help you gauge your dad’s skillsand deficits.

For instance, an older adult who consciously reduces driving at night because of vision issues or who drives a little slower to account for reaction time is probably safe. On the other hand, an 83-year-old who insists on driving icy highways at night while doing 75 mph is probably in need of immediate intervention. Then gear your comments accordingly. If you’re concerned that your dad is unsafe on the roads, make his safety and that of others your focus. “Dad, I’m worried that you’re no longer safe on the roads and that others
could be at risk as well.”

You’re Going to Wear That?

You’re planning a birthday party for your 85-year-old mother and she insists on wearing her favorite blue dress. Because her eyesight is poor, she can’t see thatthe dress is stained and worn. What do you do?

It’s important to determine whether this really is an issue – that the stains are worth addressing with your mother. If so, be direct: “Mom, did you know that your party dress is stained?” Then offer to have it
cleaned or, better yet, suggest a shopping trip: “Mom, this is a really special occasion. I’d love to buy you a new outfit. Let’s go shopping.” If she still wants to wear the dress, then a family council or a fight with
your mom is simply not worth it. You may need to figure out a way to overcome any embarrassment that you feel at your mom’s appearance, but ultimately what she wears should be her choice. The embarrassment
that you feel is your problem, not hers. Chances are, though, if she knows you are apprehensive about the dress and willing to help her find a
new one, she will agree.

When the House Is a Mess

You find that your 77-year-old mother’s house is often in disarray when you visit. You believe it’s time for her to make a change in her living arrangement. What do you say? 

Observation and careful attention to the problem should be your first course of action. Avoid diagnosing a problem and deciding on a solution quickly. Approach your mother with a sense of working together
to find a solution rather than telling her what to do. The specific circumstances – such as financial constraints – may be relevant. Is the problem simply that your mother is physically challenged by strenuous housework or is she deteriorating mentally? Does she just need help tidying up around the house or are other aspects of
her personal care, such as bathing, going downhill? Assuming that the problem is physical – where activities such as vacuuming or bending are becoming issues – then begin the conversation with an offer: “Mom, I have some extra cash. What do you say we find someone to help you with the heavy stuff, like vacuuming?
It will be my treat.” Seniors are often very willing to accept help around the house. And most communities have ample resources such as cleaning services and companies like Home Instead Senior Care that can help.

A Senior Moment or Something More?

You've just stopped by your parents’ house and for the second time in a month, noticed that your 70-year-old mother has forgotten the name of a close friend. Is it Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, a senior moment or just a passing phase? More importantly, how do you find out?

Make sure you consider your mom’s history and personality so that you can determine if this
is a change. Some people have always been bad with names, but if your mom is forgetting a close
friend’s name and you notice signs of disorientation, you might say: “Gee Mom, perhaps you should see a
doctor and get checked out. I’m sure it’s nothing, but it would really put my mind at ease if you’d let a doctor make sure your memory is O.K.” Such a conversation starter focuses on the positive not the negative.